I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
