Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
