i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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