Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
