Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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