Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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