If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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