Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
