I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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