U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I am available for nakedness
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
