My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
