cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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