I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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