The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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