I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
