pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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