At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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