Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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