you would pick up someone in the library
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
