Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
