I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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