One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
