my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
