There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
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I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
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Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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