i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
