I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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