dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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