It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
