If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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