Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
When are your genitals available?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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