It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
