All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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