Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
