i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
