my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
