Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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