My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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