you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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