My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
