My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
