Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
