I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
