Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
