do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
