Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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