My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
