I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
