hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
