He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
