I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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