What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
