Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
