I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
