I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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