I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
