The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
