areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
